People in mixed-neurotype relationships (neurodiverse / neurotypical pairings, allistic / autistic pairings, and/or pairings where both are neurodiverse but in very different ways) are more likely to experience challenges in their communication and in experiencing empathy for each other.
The way our brain and nervous system interacts with the world around us is an important part of who we are and how we show up in relationships. Because it is a fundamental way we view the world and take in information, we are also more likely to make assumptions or assess our partner through our own neurotype, which can lead to repeated experiences of feeling unseen or misunderstood. It can also make it hard for mixed neurotype partners to find satisfying ways to meet each other’s needs or to break out of unsatisfying patterns.
Incorporating neurodiverse needs, differences, and experiences into relationship therapy is crucial for finding solutions and changes that will last over time and increase happiness in the relationship.
To provide neurodiversity-competent and -affirming care means that as a provider, I have an understanding of the ways in which your personal neurotype plays out for you as a whole person and in your relationships - such as your thoughts, your sensory experiences, your nervous system, your executive functioning needs, and the impact of cultural ableism on your experience of belonging in the world. It also means that as your provider, I believe you about your experiences and knowledge of yourself, that I actively incorporate the needs of your neurotype into our goals and strategies for meeting your goals, and that the needs of your neurotype are not pathologized or seen as less valid than a neurotypical or allistic partner’s needs.
Common themes in therapy with mixed neurotype couples / relationships
Feeling unseen or misunderstood
lack of empathy and understanding for partner’s perspective
presence of ableist assumptions or expectations
challenges in verbal processing and emotion expression between partners
household / daily life systems being ineffective or a source of ongoing conflict
feeling at a loss to meet partner’s needs or to “do it right”
difficulty navigating variability in executive functioning and emotional availability
often feeling defensive or attacked for neurodiversity related differences
codependency and poor boundaries
The term specialist should be reserved for providers who have advanced training and experience in their area of specialty. While I am a specialist in working with couples and family, I would not yet define myself as a specialist in neurodiversity or neurodiverse relationships. However, I would describe myself as someone who is competent and familiar with providing therapy to neurodiverse relationships, who is personally familiar with experiencing mixed neurotype relationships, as well as someone who is building ongoing skill and knowledge regarding this area.
